A Fresh Start

When I first started teaching, I was a sabbatical replacement for an accounting instructor. On the first day of class, a young girl came into the room, smiled, stretched and said, "I love Monday Mornings! It's a fresh new beginning and I have the whole week ahead of me!"  The other students snickered when she said that and I realized how unpopular it is to admit that I really do like Mondays and beginnings.
I love new journals. All that beautiful blank paper just waiting for something inspired and amazing to fill it up.
I love moving to new places. A life without expectations from the people around me, just waiting for me to do something amazing.
The reality is, I don't have to move, I don't have to get a new job, I don't have to start from scratch to get that freedom from expectations.  I just need to let go, release them, and let my life start right where I am, with what I have.

I've been living my life behind this mask. I like to think I didn't create it, but I did. I created it with my perceptions. They are my perceptions of how other people perceive me. It's not actually how they perceive me, because until I can learn to read minds, I'll never truly see myself through their eyes. But I have created a perception of how they see me, and I have let that shape who I think I am. It's not who I am, but because I think it's who I am, it blinds me from ever seeing myself clearly. Have I lost you yet?
So I decided to take it off.
There are so many layers of perceptions.  Do they judge me? Do they think I am worthy? Do they really love me?  Does it matter?
No.
What really matters is how I see myself.
Do I forgive myself?
Do I love myself enough to take care of myself and nurture who I am? That is how I will discover myself.
So today, I am going to start loving myself.

I am going to create a new start.  I am going to take off the mask and see for myself who I really am.
Everything is a blur as I remove it. The sun is so bright. I have been hiding from the truth and I'm used to my cocoon of perceptions. I know this is the only way I can become a butterfly, the only way I will ever find my wings, but there is something about that mask, I was used to it.
Do I want to be comfortable?
Or do I want to be real?
Like Pinocchio, I choose real. After all, who doesn't want to be real?
This is my path.  I remove the mask completely.

It's kind of pretty, now that I get it into the light. A voice deep down says, "See, their perception of you was more beautiful than you ever suspected.
I also start to see that maybe being in the light is not such a bad thing.
I can see my path without stumbling.
Now I need to decide which path is mine. I need to discover who I am and how I want to live my life.

How do I do this?
The key is to listen to myself.
Notice the things that make me happy.
Listen to the music of my heart beat, the rhythm of my breath. The cocoon gave me a great place to listen.
I start by forgiving myself. It is not an easy thing to do, and I don't feel it right away. I just make a decision, as an act of my will, I forgive myself totally and completely. I make a list of things as I forgive them. I have some wonderful dissolvo paper that I can write the list on, drop it in water and it will completely dissolve.
Forgiveness leads to self love.
Self-love leads to self-discovery.
This leads to a fresh start that nobody can take away from me.